The Top 15 Simpsons Quotes We Wish Weren’t True



The Simpsons have such a biting wit, they don’t just observe human foibles – they skewer them. Over 28 seasons (and counting) The Simpsons have made some scathing accusations about some of our worst qualities. Here is a collection of memorable Simpsons quotes that are sadly truer than we’d like them to be, even more so decades after many were first uttered.

Season 3, Episode 20: Colonel Homer
Season 3, Episode 20: Colonel Homer

15. “It takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.”

I always thought Homer was throwing Marge under the bus here, but it turns out to be true. The liar is certainly the most active wrongdoer, but the people who let lies go unchecked play a role in its escalation. That’s how we get to a place where Sinbad starred in a genie movie and political events like Bowling Green and Sweden are invented whole cloth.


Season 6, Episode 9

14. “As long as everybody is videotaping everybody else, justice will be done.”

This quote is in reference to a babysitter accusing Homer of sexual harassment. Homer is cleared by a videotape filmed by Groundskeeper Willie that showed what actually happened. Surely inspired by the Rodney King video, this quote shed light on the irony of video evidence’s deteriorating value.


Season 3, Episode 23
Season 3, Episode 23

13. “Most of you will never fall in love, and marry out of fear of dying alone.”

Poor Mrs. Krabappel keeping it real. She actually did find love with Ned Flanders, but she may be right about the rest of us. Have you seen Tinder?


Season 5, Episode 14

12. “If you can reach just one girl, that’s not enough.”

In “Lisa Vs. Malibu Stacy,” Lisa teams up with the original Stacy to make a more empowering doll for women. In the end, the Malibu Stacy company releases another assembly line doll with a new hat. Only one girl in the toy store picks up a Lisa Lionheart doll, and Lisa muses that if they reached one little girl, it was all worth it. Stacy hits back with the reality, “Particularly if that little girl happens to pay $46,000 for that doll.” These days it seems truer than ever. The onslaught of propaganda and divisiveness on social media and television seems insurmountable. Changing just one mind only casts another soul adrift in the sea of noise.


Season 9, Episode 5

11. “But surely you can’t put a price on family.”
“I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are.”

This comes from the episode “The Cartridge Family” where Homer ends up buying a gun. It all starts when the Simpsons try to buy a security system but cannot afford it. The salesman pleads with Homer that his family is priceless and Homer is as surprised as anyone that he’s just not phased by that. Sadly, there are practical matters to consider. We may want to give our loved ones anything, but supply and demand have driven up some basic needs higher than many can afford. Just look at health care.


Season 8, Episode 21

10. “Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”

Everyone tries to have it all, a successful career and a thriving personal life. Reality, unfortunately, sees people who step on others and shut people out get rewarded frequently. I’ve still got hope for this one. We don’t all have to be Mr. Burns.


Season 8, Episode 21

9. “Never help anyone”

This is The Simpsons’ version of “No good deed goes unpunished.” Lisa thought she could be a positive influence on Mr. Burns. Instead, he took her environmentalism and used it to be an even more ruthless danger to the environment. Homer’s advice is rather blunt, but we could all do well to use a little caution and make sure we help the right people.


Season 5, Episode 18
Season 5, Episode 18

8. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

Homer’s motto, right? Actually, he tries something new every week, but here he’s trying to console Bart and Lisa when they fail at auditions to be Burns’ heir (long story). Unfortunately, a lot of people are so scared of failure that they take Homer’s advice. Don’t listen to Homer! You strike out every time you don’t get up to bat! 80% of success is showing up!


Season 5, Episode 22
Season 5, Episode 22

7. “Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.”

Sadly, the older you get, the more you realize Homer is right. The human brain is an incredible machine, but it has its limits, unless you’re Marlo Thomas. We should never stop learning, but it’s too bad we don’t get to choose which tidbits we can delete to make room for the new ones.


Season 9, Episode 8

6. “Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true. Facts schmacts.”

Homer said this long before the “post-fact” age was upon us. Now facts as major as evidence of climate change or as petty as how many people attended an inauguration are dismissed. Stephen Colbert satirized it as “truthiness” – when you look it up in your gut instead of in a book. He was joking but the age of alternative facts is upon us.


5. “I’m not popular enough to be different.”

Every once in awhile, an artist like Lady Gaga or Prince can be so beloved that they have the license to be flamboyant. The rest of us don’t have that luxury, although in this episode, Homer wearing a pink shirt to work landed him in an asylum where he met Michael Jackson.


Season 2, Episode 19

4. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

This! The idea that if someone doesn’t agree with you, it means they don’t understand. No, sometimes people just don’t give a damn, and that’s okay.  


Season 7, Episode 19

3. “I love legitimate theater” (A Fish Called Selma, season 7 episode 19)

Homer makes this remark during a Planet of the Apes musical starring Troy McClure. At the time it must have seemed outrageous. Doesn’t seem so far-fetched now that there’s been Legally Blonde, Rocky, The Bodyguard, Bring It On, Newsies and Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. Not to mention smaller companies putting on Re-Animator, Evil Dead and Fellowship! I do love legitimate theater.


Season 7, Episode 15
Season 7, Episode 15

2. “As long as you’re on TV people will respect you.” (Bart the Fink, season 7, episode 15)

Bart says this to make Krusty feel better when he’s busted for tax evasion. In the episode, Krusty has to fake his death to be redeemed. These days, tax evasion is nothing. People on TV have been forgiven for adultery, spousal abuse and even things we don’t want to print here.


Season 7, Episode 5

1. “You don’t win friends with salad.”

It’s true. You don’t.

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  • Afonso P

    The puppet made 80% of those into a political statement. It’s funny how you people are able to simultaneously hold a high-horse feeling while simply parroting what can be read and heard from literally every mainstream source out there.

    • foogie

      It’s funny how threatened some can be by people who hold political beliefs different from their own. And that they feel the need to insult and belittle them.

      • BJ001

        That’s funny, you liberals are the same way about those who hold political beliefs different than your own despite your claims about being tolerant and open minded.

        • Štěpán Matouš

          Liberals today are more akin to fascists.. This everybody’s equal unless they are white male is too close to 1984’s double-think for my taste. And to be honest, conservatives suck too. How they are able to hold concepts like small goverment and individual freedom together with patriot act and drug war? Both sides are full of shit.

        • Oi Boffo Graham

          Suck it up buttercup

          • BJ001

            You folks are the ones who need to suck it up. Take your PC crap and shove it!

        • Broodwich 2

          How do you know that foogie is a liberal? Or are you just a bandwagoner, using a false syllogisms.

      • Afonso P

        Its one thing to feel threatened by something, and another to be annoyed by not being able to even find humorous content without the same copy-pasted political script. And you make it sound like I called you a fag or something. I criticized you for being manipulated into doing some politician’s work for them.

    • ebm242

      Yeah. It’s getting annoying.

    • Broodwich 2

      aww, do you need a coloring book ?

      • Afonso P

        Yeah well im actually criticizing precisely the type of people who need colouring books in their safe spaces because they freak out from their paranoid hypersensitive hysteria. I have a feeling you might be one of them.

        • Broodwich 2

          If I was “one of them” wouldn’t my reply be longer and full of anecdotes? Or is that just your feeling?

  • idovbnc .

    Adding to #12: women today like to talk about be yourself and your OK the way you are, as long as your exercising and eating right. Yet when a woman loses a lot of weight they throw a parade and talk about how great they look and feel.
    The message: its OK to feel good about being chunky, but being skinny is still sexier.

    • foogie

      Men today like to make sweeping simplistic hyperbolic generalizations about women but have huge trantrums whenever they are criticized as a group. The message: Maybe men should focus on our own issues rather than telling women how they should feel about theirs.

    • Broodwich 2

      attractive is subjective, lonely internet troll

  • Jeff Hofmann

    Do you mean Marilu Henner (instead of Marlo Thomas)?

  • lotusenta

    I don’t know, I know someone who’d be your friend if you gave her a salad.

    • Oi Boffo Graham

      Keep her

  • fragglerock61

    What’s illegitimate about Newsies?

  • Matt Stevenson

    he’s just not FAZED by that

  • Stark14

    “When will people learn: democracy doesn’t work.”